I feel fat.

I have a problem. 

I want to talk about it. 

I feel fat. 

Yesterday I bought a pair of size 2 jeans and in the past 8 months I've lost over 40 pounds. 

But I feel fat. 

When I was actively losing the weight I felt like a skinny mini. Every goal I hit along the way I felt skinnier and skinnier. When I was 20 pounds heavier than I am now, I felt much skinnier then I do at this weight, because I was so pumped to have lost the first 20+ lbs and to have my clothes be too big.

...but now that I am maintaining I don't feel that same skinniness. 

It is very strange, but I feel bigger than I did before I started losing weight. 

I know it sounds crazy. And I never thought that I would buy size 2 jeans and feel chubbier than I did when size 12's were tight. If someone would explain the logic to me, that would be fabulous.

Obviously there is no logic, and I think that I am getting a tiny glimpse into what those who struggle with eating disorders see: illusions of how they view themselves verses what is reality.

As I move forward in my weightloss journey, I feel worried that this mental image of myself is going to thwart all of my hard work. Thinking myself thin is how I lost the weight, so will thinking myself fat make me gain?!

Trust me, I'm not going to wait around and see. 

Through meditation and a little soul searching, I vow to get this figured out and break free from this skewed mental image of myself.

So what do you think? ... Can you tell which is my before and which is my after?? 

I still have things that I would like to work on (think: butt and thighs), and I would love to lose another 5-10 lbs. But even I can admit that there is a major difference in these pictures. My health and energy is much better, my moods are more stable, my skin and hair appears healthier, my ability to play, hike, climb and run has dramatically increased and my confidence has skyrocketed. Men run to open doors for me and women ask me a million questions as to *how* I lost weight. I KNOW that there is a difference. I have proof! So why do I *feel* bigger than picture #1 most days!? 

This makes me think a little deeper too... If I could have such an intensely altered image of something that I have physical proof of, what other negative things do I see in myself that aren't true? Am I holding myself back or cutting myself short somewhere because in my mind I see (or don't see) seething that is (or isn't) there?

What about you? Do you think you do this to yourself?